I argue with a few friends sometimes about the practice of torture. They ask me why I don’t believe torture should be used to extract potentially life-saving information. My stance has been and remains that it reduces us as a people. Also, I believe people can be trained to mislead under torture. Someone’s testimony under torture is similar to religious text – the stories told are truth mixed with myth, leaving the interpreter to figure out what he believes, or wants to believe. I also believe that torture adds to the sense of martyrdom someone devoted to his cause feels. Consider Mel Gibson as William Wallace in Braveheart. No one who has seen the movie can forget his cry of “Freedom” as Wallace is eviscerated before the people. I believe many among the enemy we face anticipate torture. Torture affirms their belief that we are the great Satan. My belief that torture is wrong is based both in ethics and pragmatism.

I am struggling with that belief right now, because I would like to see Faisal Shahzad tortured. Not to obtain any information from him, but simply for the sake of punishing him for what he tried to do.

I ride my bike in New York sometimes with friends. Now it is not difficult for me to imagine one of our wonderful rides ending abruptly with a car exploding as we ride blissfully past. Maybe I would die in the explosion, or maybe my friends and wife, depending on who was where. I think about this often. Whether it be from misfired missiles by our own military or suicide bombers, I hate the thought of those who want no part of war getting pulled into it by the assholes who think murder is an acceptable way to solve a problem. If only combatants would fight combatants. Idealistic, I know, but one can hope.

I wish no harm on Shahzad’s wife and children, but I would like for him to fear for their safety so that he might understand what I fear. As for Shahzad himself, I would like for a dozen or so M80s to be taped to various parts of his body and detonated, so that he might get to feel a little taste of the pain he was willing to inflict on people who would have done him no wrong as long as he let them be. And then I would like for him to live the rest of his incarcerated in a place where he could contemplate his failure and hopefully some day be grateful for the fact his plan failed.

Worship whoever or whatever you want to, but as soon as you begin to justify asshole behavior based on your beliefs then I have no sympathy for you and I hope you reap what you sow.

My beliefs might have been different had my parents remained married and my father remained a Baptist minister, but I like to think my mind is my own and I would think about religion the way I do regardless of the path that got me here.

What I have done is been silent and let some people who matter deeply to me believe that I am a believer as they are, and at times I have felt like a fraud for doing so. I envy my sister Kelli’s faith, but I know the way the fibers are presently connected in my brain will never allow me to be the Christian she is. I have no desire to change her beliefs to align with mine, and am not so arrogant to think I could do so, but I have asked myself a number of times, “how can she believe so strongly in something that just seems to be another myth to me?” And with my father, I do the same. Ive tried to have faith, maybe I still do, but as of yet I don’t. Perhaps it’s because I am still looking at people despite my Grandmother K’Lee’s advice.

I visited with her while home on leave. She was dying from cancer and it would be the last time we spoke. She asked me if I was reading my Bible. I told her I wasn’t. I told her when I looked at the way people were, the things so many people did, I could not have faith – I could not be bothered with the Bible. She did not scold me or get on any sort of religious high horse, she simply said “it’s not your job to look at people, that’s God’s job – let Him do his job.”

The internet has made it even more difficult for me to follow Grandma’s advice. I’ve had to discipline myself to ignore most of the comments posted on sites I visit. I try to walk a line but on any given issue I may find myself far right or far left of someone, and I wonder how they could possibly think the way they do.

I’ve used this as an excuse to not write as frequently as I believe I should. On any issue I feel I will find myself either preaching to the choir or to the deaf – thus writing often feels to be a waste of time. But I am deciding now to write more frequently. I’m starting to believe maybe my voice is the one that needs to be heard.

Hopefully, I will finish this and actually post it – I’m not impressed with the number of drafts I see sitting in my drafts folder. To be fair, some of the posts are a bit negative and I ran out of energy and motivation trying to beat them into something that would add to the ongoing conversation of life. I had a question answered recently that’s been in the back of my head every time I started typing for at least a couple of years now. I was watching Into the Storm and a remark by Sir Winston Churchill to President Franklin Delano Roosevelt caught my attention. When questioned about his faith, Sir Winston, who dealt with the same doubts that I deal with, replied to FDR,  “Whether you believe or disbelieve — it is a wicked thing to take away a man’s hope.” So, I feel somewhat justified in keeping my skeptical mouth shut even though I’ve wanted to weigh in on the big question. As it turns out, someone can convey with humor an opinion I share, but would have no doubt fumbled with heavy-handed cynicism. I am also inclined to excuse my reticence with a comment a friend shared a while back, “If you cannot improve upon the silence, keep quiet (STFU).” But now, it’s time for me to ramble a little, as if I haven’t been already.

2009 was a great year. I never thought I could be  happy in a state like New Jersey – don’t get me wrong, I’ve got my complaints – but oft times I feel like Calvin in the Calvin and Hobbes strip when his dad forces him to play in the snow. Calvin, realizing that he has been playing and having a great time in the snow, panics and asks his tiger buddy, Hobbes, how much time has passed. He then runs back to his dad to complain on principle. I miss home, miss the South, but have to confess the friends I have made both at work and away from work have made this a significantly enjoyable time in my life, and I’m glad to be here. Ashley and I thought we’d been dealt a bum hand when we learned we wouldn’t be staying close to home, but we’re richer for being here. By the way, if your head is swelling as you read this, remember I’m talking about other Jersey friends. You? You’re just Facebook inventory!.

So, in case you failed to notice, I feel I’ve grown a great deal in the last year.  Working at a major metropolitan hospital in Hackensack as a Systems Analyst, I’ve been part of a great team dealing with every single system issue that could rear its ugly head in a hospital. Be it cash registers not able to deal with credit cards during a busy lunch hour in the cafeteria, or a heart imaging system not wanting to send its images properly to be read — we encountered and handled some interesting issues and helped keep the hospital running. And we did all this while preparing for a major change in the way records will be handled at HUMC. What an experience! Oh, and I learned the words “truculent” and “obstreperous” and a lot about Windows profiles all from the same guy.

Away from work I’ve tried to keep myself on the bike as much as possible. As much as I love the road, I’ve found myself less and less capable of dealing with all of the assholes who find cyclists to be such an annoyance that they would let go of any sense of humanity in order to teach us a lesson. Keep in mind I’m not surrendering to you jerks, I’ll still ride the road when I want, but I more easily find my peace on the trails, regardless of whether or not the overzealous environmentalists have political power in my town. Don’t get me wrong, I love nature, but I don’t care too much for people who think I shouldn’t have fun in it. The amusing thing to me is that these are the folks that don’t want the government to be allowed to make laws controlling their bodies, but want them to pass all kinds of laws to control everything else. Accept my apologies for the tangent, please.

What I’ve grown to love about cross country cycling in New Jersey is the challenging terrain. There’s a lot of technical, rocky, shift-your-weight-on-the-saddle-just-right-and-blast-it-up-the-run kind of stuff on the trails here that has made me a better rider than I ever thought I could be. It feels good to grow more competent and capable. There is something deeply satisfying about going back out and riding a section that I had to walk my bike across the previous ride. It is both physically and mentally rewarding.

The riding friends I’ve made have of course encouraged me and I’m grateful to them. And when the weather changed and made it a bit harder to find the motivation to ride, my friends, Luke and Aaron, took up climbing and encouraged the rest of us to check out the local climbing gym. I’m afraid of heights, so I was reluctant, but recognized the opportunity to get out the house during this miserable time of year and started climbing.

I’m learning and improving and realizing that the fear of heights can be dealt with. It’s frustrating to watch so many others who are better than me at this new-found hobby, but I’m wise enough to compare myself with where I was when I took this up back in late November. I’ve built up strength climbing on the lower stuff, bouldering as it is called by climbers, and am gradually getting used to the high climbs. A lot of it has to do with trust — trusting your body and trusting your belay partner, and observation — watching those who are good at it, listening to advice from folks who watch you climb a route they know. There’s a metaphor for life in there I’m sure.

Now, I’m going to rush a finish off and post this otherwise I will never post this. And I’m going to leave it fairly raw, because I end up leaving a lot of words in a state of infinite editing.

I’ve been promising Ashley that I would take up yoga for years. Finally, after biking and climbing made me increasingly aware of how much my inflexibility affected my ability to have fun (I’m having fun, I just feel like it could be more fun if I wasn’t so tense) I decided to make good on that promise. So, I’ve taken up yoga and was immediately humbled by what the human body is capable of — well,  other human bodies — not mine — not yet. But the important thing to me is: I’m getting more flexible and stronger and may very well be more fit as I approach my forties than I was while serving in the navy. That’s a good feeling.

That’s it. I may revisit this post, but for now: click, it’s out there.

Fatcyclist.com is one of my absolute, all-time favorite reads on the web. Although cycling focused, Elden Nelson’s blog is about so much more. Long-time readers have had the opportunity to witness Elden’s blog evolve from a fun weight loss accountability blog for Fatty’s friends into a true testimony of what the cycling “family” really is. Elden was very candid during his wife Susan’s battle with cancer and touched lives all around the world. When Susan passed, people who had never met her mourned for her and reached out to Elden and his family as if they were kin.

Elden is a better writer than I, so I encourage you to read his blog yourself. Be sure to read the comments on many of the posts; they are a pleasant relief from the commentary on most sites. His blog reminds me of why I ride the bike – I’ve made some of my strongest friendships simply by showing up to a group ride.

Elden is doing a lot to honor his wife and their children. With the help of loyal and loving fans he has raised a great deal of money for some good causes. One of his MO’s is the tongue-in-cheek open letter. Recently he wrote a very humorous letter to Johan Bruyneel, manager of the newly-formed Team Radio Shack, in which he mentioned his many qualifications to be on the team. Bruyneel replied with a challenge for Elden to raise a considerably amount of money for two great causes in a short period of time.

If you want to do something great for someone who deserves it this holiday season, I encourage you to consider giving as much as you can to either one or both of these causes. Do it as soon as possible though, the deadline for Bruyneel’s challenge is this coming Friday, December 11.

Direct links to the causes mentioned in Bruyneel’s letter:

World Bicycle Relief – http://grassroots.kintera.org/Creative/fatcyclist

LIVESTRONG – http://www.livestrong.org/grassroots2009/sendfattytocamp

Thanks and Happy Holidays.